Relationships: Stop Feeling Like a Victim - as part of the expert series by GeoBeats. We call this interaction of running for the victim position the key issue that people in any kind of relationship need to deal with. Because if you go for the victim role your partner really only has two choices, they can do what we call the 'hero move', where they go “oh that is okay, poor you, gosh you have really had a hard day, how can I help?” Without really reference to themselves, they kind of go out of themselves to help you. Or they will do what we call the 'villain move', “Well you think you have had a hard day? Well, you should have seen my day, you did not have to deal with all of those people who have had the deadlines...” then you get into the struggle of who is the victim, and the antidote to that is for each of you to realize that you are two whole people. You are not a victim who needs to lean on the other person for support, or the hero who needs to carry the weight of both of you. You are both two whole people, and two whole people are both responsible for what occurs. So rather than “Whose fault is it?” or “It is not my fault” in any kind of interaction, especially if there is a difference or a conflict, if each of you wonders “Hm, How am I contributing to this,” “Hm, how did I create this?” It is what we call the shift from blame to wonder. When you make the genuine wonder move you actually shift into creativity, rather than recycling the power struggles, which are really always the same. You will have the I am right, you are wrong, I am right, you are wrong, okay, yeah I am wrong and somebody apologizes, but then you recycle the problem all over again. So if you want to change that, making this simple, but very powerful move of “Hm, I wonder how I am creating this and how I could create something different?” People do not realize that each of us has the power to shift the situation. We do not need to wait for our partner to be different, each of us can shift what is going on by really stepping into healthy responsibility, and that is the shift from blame to wonder.
