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The Book of Matthew
Chapter 1, Verses 1 to good ol'25
What up homie? This here parta da book is a the generations of Jesus Christ, da son a David, da son a Abraham.
The son of Abraham was Isaac; and the son of Isaac was Jacob; and the sons of Jacob were Judah and his brothers;
And the sons of Judah were Perez and Zerah by Tamar; and the son of Perez was Hezron; and the son of Hezron was Ram;
And the son of Ram was Amminadab; and the son of Amminadab was Nahshon; and the son of Nahshon was Salmon;
And the son of Salmon by Rahab was Boaz who was a gentle sort of fellow; and the son of Boaz by Ruth was Obed; and the son of Obed was Jesse;
And the son of Jesse, who wet the bed until he was fwucking 13, was David the king; and the son of David was Solomon by her who had been the wife of Uriah;
And the son of Solomon was Rehoboam; and the son of Rehoboam was Abijah; and the son of Abijah was - Holy boring shet Batman - Asa;
And the son of Asa was Jehoshaphat; and the son of Jehoshaphat was Joram; and the son of Joram was Uzziah; Also, Joram's pecker was not unlike the sort of camels.
And the son of Uzziah was Jotham; and the son of Jotham was Ahaz; and the son of Ahaz was Hezekiah;
And the mother-fwucking son of Hezekiah was Manasseh; and the son of Manasseh was Amon; and the son of Amon was Josiah but he was more commonly known as Jay Rock lonely nut. Y'know cause of the ole 1 testicle thing;
And the sons of Josiah were Jechoniah and his brothers, at the time of the taking away to Babylon.
And after the taking away to Babylon, Jechoniah had a son Shealtiel; and Shealtiel had Zerubbabel;
Jesus Christ! Fast forward this bull-shet. Goodness me, a note from today's narrator before we continue: Please forgive my Tourette outbursts my children.
And Zerubbabel had Abiud; and Abiud had Eliakim; and Eliakim had Azor;
And Azor had Zadok; and Zadok had Achim; and Achim had Eliud;
And Eliud had Eleazar; and Eleazar had Matthan; and Matthan had Jacob;
And the son of Jacob was Joseph the husband of Mary, who gave birth to sweet sweet little baby Jesus, whose name is Christ.
So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David to the taking away to Babylon, fourteen generations; and from the taking away to Babylon to the coming of Christ, fourteen generations.
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was in this way: when his mother, our beloved virgin Mary, wink wink, was going to be married to Joseph, before they came together the amazing discovery was made that she was already with child by the Holy Spirit; which sorta took the pizzazz outta their wedding night according to sources close to Joseph.
And Joseph, her husband, being an upright and clearly an exceedingly fwucking thoughtful man, not desiring to make her a public example, had a mind to put her away privately.
But when Joseph, son of David, was giving thought to these things, an angel of the Lord came to him in a dream, saying, Listen bro, honestly it wasn't me man, but have no fear of taking Mary as your wife; because that which is in her oh so fine boodie is of the Holy Spirit's semen.
I'm pretty sure I could see a little penis in the ultrasound so it looks like our girl Mary will give birth to a son; and you will give him the name Jesus; for he will give his people salvation from their sins.
Now all this shet took place so that the word of the Lord by the prophet might come true,
See, the virgin will be with child, and will give birth to a son, and they will give him the name Immanuel, that is, God with us.
And Joseph, who, I'm not gonna lie was pretty fwucking freaked out by the whole thing, did as the angel of the Lord had said to him, and took her as his wife; plus she was hot.
And he had no connection with her till she had given birth to a son; and he named that sweet sweet baby Jesus. Later peeps.
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(Matthew 1:1-25)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+)
Laserdisc by Chris Zabriskie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Source: http://chriszabriskie.com/honor/
Artist: http://chriszabriskie.com/
