Once a year (since 2005), Elf on the Shelf undergoes a magical transformation. The Elf starts as a worthless lump of plastic, then when Christmas approaches, he magically transforms into a desirable holiday gimmick worth $29.95 on Amazon. Like all plastic toys made in China, the Elf brings no joy to the little boys and girls who assemble him for slave wages, because they don’t have Christmas.
But once the Elf enters your house, another transformation takes place. Where children formerly respected their parents and craved their approval, now they only require the approval of the Elf. The Elf sees all. The Elf hears all. The Elf knows what you’ve done with your dirty little hands.
Soon, the Elf is taking on responsibilities traditionally shouldered by the man of the household. Should the incumbent male protest, the other members of the family will gently remind him that the Elf is more than capable of providing the care and sustenance they need. The Elf’s love is superior to father’s in every way, both emotionally, and physically. Open yourself for the Elf.
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