SantaCon 2013 is over! So wipe the blood off your lips and gather round, children, because its time for another holiday tale of drunken buffoonery of the red hatted variety, and we don't mean the kind on Santa's head.
Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through Manhattan, not a Santa was sober, 'cept on the Isle of Staten. They lurched down the sidewalk of Alphabet City, they barfed in Tribeca and fought on a jitney. But on that snowy night, the children agreed, the worst sight was Santa getting a handy in Duane Reade. When along came Peeping John, with a video recorder, and captured that Santa in his drunken disorder. The video went viral, we're not sorry to say, and was featured on Gawker the very next day. But when Santa caught sight, he lawyered up in a hurry, and threatened poor Gawker: "You'd best remove that story!"
The lawyer was gruff: "It's injurious to my client!" but Gawker stood fast, their posture defiant. "Why you're no lawyer at all," Neetzan wrote all the same, "No attorney in New York shares your name!" For lo and behold, the name to which we're referring, is the handy Santa himself, Tyler Van Buren! He called himself esquire, when he's nothing of the sort. Now Gawker has what they lacked, a name to report! So Tyler Van Buren, we hope you take heed, remember the Streisand Effect next time you get tugged in Duane Reade!
So get used to it Van Buren, your story won't get the knife. By the way, the elf in the video doesn't look like your wife.
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